Let's talk about sex!

A young western guy comes to Cambodia looking for kicks, and – along with drugs and guns – he gets them from hooking up with a pretty local girl in Phnom Penh’s infamous Heart of Darkness nightclub.

Then it starts to go wrong. He falls for her, asks her to stop selling sex; she demands money, asks him to stay in Cambodia and get married.

This, I hasten to add, is not about me! Rather, it’s the plot of the recent film Same Same But Different. The girl’s later revelation that she has HIV certainly complicates matters, but the depiction of Cambodia as a destination for sex tourism is undeniable.

So what’s the problem?

Well, much of the debate is the same about the sex trade in any country. When it comes to child abuse or slavery these are clearly terrible crimes.

But why shouldn’t a women (or man) be free to sell her body if she chooses to? Indeed, why shouldn’t a man be free to buy sex, as long as it’s between consenting adults? And by making all or parts of it illegal, don’t we just drive the inevitable (the oldest profession) underground, away from lawful taxpaying and towards organized crime?

Yet where is the freedom for poor, young women with nowhere else to go? And isn’t there something not just distasteful but wrong about the rich and powerful being allowed to buy even the bodies of the poor and powerless? Shouldn’t the most vulnerable be protected, from both abuse and diseases such as HIV? Below the belt it may be, but the clincher for me is the old chestnut: would you be happy if your mum / sister / daughter were a prostitute? Of course not.

The approach here in Cambodia, as with most things, is ultra-liberal. Anything goes, if you have money you can buy it, which is why sex tourists swill around downtown Phnom Penh and Sihanoukville.

Whilst many of the punters are westerners, it is worth noting there are plenty of Asian sex tourists too. And Cambodian men, who by day lecture me about the importance of marriage and traditional values, by night find it totally acceptable to pay for sex in euphemistically named ‘karaoke bars’.

Prostitution is one thing, but what about longer-term relationships between Cambodians and westerners?

Part of me really welcomes these: the cultural exchange, the overcoming of national boundaries, the romance of love beyond borders. Last month I went to the wedding of a young American volunteer with her Cambodian boyfriend, and it was great. I really admired how they stuck with it despite opposition from friends, families, employers and the police (who even tried to evict all the westerners from the village the night before the ceremony, until a call was made to a suitably well-connected acquaintance).

Even with the more common older white man / younger Cambodian woman match, I know a number of very honorable men who have come to Cambodia and genuinely fallen in love with beautiful but also smart and articulate Cambodian women – what’s not to like?

But there are doubts – most such couplings are older, richer, uglier white men with younger, poorer, prettier Cambodian girls. Isn’t this somehow distasteful? Though is it any worse than if they were both western? Or both men? Or a rich woman and a poor guy (that happens too, though less obviously and probably much less often).

Perhaps it is because, bluntly, the relationships often amount to long-term prostitution – the girl gets money (a house, a passport, an income) and the man gets the girl. I confess that my heart sinks at the sight of shuffling ‘sexpats’ and their bored, compromised escorts.

But maybe they settled for the best they can get? Or even feel they made a good catch? And – tellingly – if I were a 60 year old single bloke I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t be tempted to enjoy the company of a stunning Cambodian beauty less than half my age – can you blame me?

So what about volunteers? What are our rights and responsibilities here? Interestingly, a straw poll showed a significant gender split.

Female volunteers seem to be pretty clear that their male counterparts should be very careful about ‘dating’ Cambodian girls. A casual affair for a volunteer may be ruinous for a local girl’s reputation, not to mention relationships at work and the reputation of our organization. And they are generally downbeat about the chances of romance with Cambodian men, who they see as having rather too ‘traditional’ views about the place of a women.

Male volunteers responded rather differently. We’re here to play as well as work, and Cambodian girls can be both stunningly beautiful and irresistibly playful. We’re not here to put our lives on hold – and in fact what better way to learn more about the culture, the language, the ‘real Cambodia’ than to date a native? Those from other Asian countries such as India and the Philippines may be particularly likely to slip into the karaoke bar culture – it may be distasteful to western women, but they can hardly be accused of going against the local values! Meanwhile, younger western volunteers laugh that the girls are just bitter because of their own slim pickings.

So where does that leave us?

As always it all comes down to role-modeling. Put simply, if our sexual behaviour is abusive, insensitive, destructive then it’s bad. If it’s loving, sensitive and productive then it’s good.

If in doubt, we would do well to remember the apocryphal story of the American visitor giving a welcome address in Khmer, who proudly stated he had come “to help the Cambodian people”. Unfortunately he mixed up the verb to help (chooi) with that for fuck (choi).

Let’s talk about, let’s enjoy sex. But let’s not forget we’re here to help.